Apologies, Apologies

I am a bad blogger. Bad, bad, bad.  I sincerely apologize for my lack of postage, and hope that all three of the readers I have left can forgive me.

Today has been interesting.  In a horrible, terrifying, but I guess kindof okay way.

I had a final exam this morning at 11.  The plan was to get up at 8 and review my notes before hand.  Instead I woke up at 5 am and could not fall back asleep.  Except that I must have because I slept through my alarm and woke up at 10:45, with just enough time to pull on jeans and drive to campus.  I had to park in the professor lot in order to make it.  Still, the ticket gods have spared me this time.

The exam itself was okay.  It was really just the stress and fear of my impending lateness and lack of pre-test review that had me spinning.  After the test I had to meet with the Dean of Academic Services.

Now, I’ve never understood this whole “Dean” system.  There are so many of them, and they sound so important!  After all, they have the “Dean’s List.”  I felt very embarrassed about my ratty ponytail and jeans situation, and apologized for it as I was led into her office.  She didn’t seem to care.  How important are Deans anyway if you don’t have to dress up for them?

Anyway, I told her about my situation.  My situation is that after being accepted to Nottingham, I started to look for scholarships.  To my horror, all the deadlines had already passed.

I am so incredibly upset by this.  Not only by the fact that Nottingham is now a very distant prospect (only attainable under extreme sacrifice and student loan indenture) but that NOBODY TOLD ME that all the applications were due in October.  No one even told me which scholarships I should be applying to.  In fact, no one mentioned anything about them to me at all!  Not the career center advisor who worked with me, my professors, my advisors… no one.  This marks Way No. 47 that Brandeis has let me down.  (Maybe there hasn’t been 47, but there sure have been alot.)

The whole system really bothers me.  If you don’t have parents who know academia inside and out, or an older sister, or someone else in your family to show you the ropes, you are at such an extreme disadvantage.  Especially when no one at your academic institution will give you a heads up.  I assumed that one applied for scholarships in the spring, after one was accepted to a program.  Silly me.  How should I have known?

So anyway, I almost lost my shit to the Dean.  She wasn’t very helpful, and maybe it was the lack of sleep, the stress of finals, or my overwhelming frustration towards “the system” but I was basically on the verge of tears.  And she knew it.  Way to go, Leah.  Way to ruin your prospects at the one scholarship you have left (for which this Dean must nominate you) and way to fall into the stereotype that feminists everywhere have worked towards overcoming.

You blew it.  No question.

Full Circle

Today I did something important. It wasn’t until after I did it that I realized just how important it was, and how important it was for me to do it. I volunteered to speak about rape and sexual assault to a group of students doing study abroad next semester. This is their “pre-departure orientation.” I remembered mine, and there was only 30-40 students. I didn’t realize that mine was so small because it was a summer study abroad orientation, not a regular spring semester orientation. This one had about 170 students. I was pretty nervous, but once I got up in front of the lecture hall, I felt pretty comfortable. I really do like public speaking… even if it’s about hard subjects.

When I was in Spain, I paid 200 dollars to take an excursion to Morocco for the weekend. The trip was sub-contracted out to a Moroccan travel agency, and we had a local guide. One counselor from our program came with us. I didn’t really feel safe during the trip.

People weren’t paying close enough attention to where everyone was. They weren’t doing enough head counts. They were letting us walk too far apart from each other, and letting people go shopping on their own. There was also an incident in a rug store where two girls and I got left behind by the entire program, left not knowing where we were, where the group was, how to speak the language, and fending off four agressive rug dealers. But that is a story for another day. The bad thing happened when we got to Chiffchauen (not sure I’m spelling it correctly, and frankly, the whole city can bite my ass if I’m not).

Chiffchauen is this truly beautiful, small, old fashioned place, full of traditional artisans, nestled in the gorgeous mountains of Morocco. The whole town is painted a sky blue color. The symbolism is similar to the holy Israeli city of Tzfat, where the doors are painted blue as a symbol of heaven. It’s ironic and frustrating that a place so beautiful had such an ugly undercoat.

Bascially, I got pulled into the back of a shop by a shop owner who wanted me to try on a necklace. (The salesmen there are EXTREMELY pushy- beware.) He turned me to face a mirror, put the necklace on, and then processed to grope me there, in the back corner of the shop, where my friend K couldn’t see me.

I am a sex counselor, and part of that entails counseling about rape and sexual assault. But I gotta tell ya… it’s really different once it happens to you. Suddenly you really understand the guilt and shame that comes along with it, and the confusion. God I was confused. It took me a while to figure out what was actually happening, and when I did, I had no idea what to do. My reaction was to take his hand out of my shirt, smile weirdly, and walk out.

Once it was over I couldn’t stop yelling at myself for not being more feminazi about it. I should have used my self defense Kung-fu training and beaten his ass down! I should have at least yelled at him. At least not SMILED. I tell everyone that the reason I was afraid to get angry was because this was Morocco, and I had no idea how a man would react to a woman sticking up for herself. Maybe they beat women who do that. But really… that wasn’t the reason I didn’t do anything. It was because I was so confused and scared, I didn’t even think of it.

Anyway, in the end everything was okay. I eventually told the director of my program what happened, and they handled it very poorly. In other countries it is still normal to blame the victim. She said, “I would never let a man do that to me!” I never even thought to contact Brandeis, but I realize now that that is what I should have done to get the support and validation I needed. Nevertheless, after a week or so of fucked-up-ness, I managed to enjoy the rest of my summer.

But this type of experience stay with you. I never filled out the evaluations for Brandeis or my program when I came back. Then I got the email asking students if they’d like to speak at this particular meeting. I did. I knew a girl who had an even worse experience than me who would. We did. In front of 170 people.

We didn’t share our stories, but we did share all the things we wish we had known. Like, not to expect that sexual assault and harassment are taken as seriously in that country as they are in the US. Or, to carry Plan B with us. Or that Brandeis could force our programs to take better care of us, and do what we needed them to do.

It felt really good. And I think my next step is to tell the study abroad office my story, so they can decide whether or not to continue sending students on my program. I think I’m going to write a letter to the head office of the program telling them to step up their counseling services, and to try and have someone there to provide an “American” style perspective in counseling. There’s nothing quite like admitting you’ve been raped in a country that believes it’s the woman’s fault.

Anyway, I feel like I’m on the path to healing. And speaking to everyone today made me feel really good, like I was turing my experience into good.

Maybe my future is in public speaking. I really like it.

Mutually Beneficial Arrangements… or… Prostitution

I recently came across a website called Seeking Arrangement, a dating website for people looking for “mutually beneficial arrangements.” The site connects “Sugar Daddies” with “Sugar Babies.” Basically, it promotes arrangements where young women date older men in exchange for expensive gifts.

Unlike other dating websites, profiles of Sugar Daddies (and Sugar Mommies) list the person’s annual income and net worth. For example, “ActionDaddy” is worth $750,000 to $1,000,000. And the profiles of Sugar Babies list how much each expect from their Sugar Daddies (or Mommies). “Foxy Kat” expects between $3,001 and $5000 a month from her Sugar Daddy. She asks, ” I’m looking to make YOUR World a better place… Do YOU want to do the same for Me?” She makes it sound so simple, doesn’t she?

According to the website, this is a very natural dating arrangement: ” Let’s face it… It’s human nature for older men to want the younger and more attractive women. It’s also natural for younger women to seek out men who are successful, specifically those who have the means of providing a woman with comforts and luxuries.”

Also, the website provides us with some helpful clarification:

Sugar Daddy: n. Slang. A wealthy, usually older man who gives expensive gifts to a young person in return for intimacy or companionship. Sugar Mommy: n. Slang. A wealthy, usually older women who gives expensive gifts to a young person in return for intimacy or companionship. Sugar Baby: n. Slang. A young person who gives intimacy or companionship to an older man or woman in exchange for expensive gifts.

Now, this is all well and good. I once dated someone who showered me with lavish gifts. It’s not a bad deal. But where do we draw the line between a “mutually beneficial arrangement” and being a whore?

The dictionary defines “prostitute” as:

pros‧ti‧tute: -noun

1.	a woman who engages in sexual intercourse for money; whore; harlot.

2.	a man who engages in sexual acts for money.

3.	a person who willingly uses his or her talent or ability in a base and unworthy way, usually for money.

So, is this “mutually beneficial arrangement” NOT prostitution because these “sugar babies” are receiving gifts instead of hard cash? Or is it because sex is negotiable within an “arrangement?”

According to this anonymous Sugar Baby, “Who doesn’t want to be spoilt and pampered? The truth is many of my girlfriends want to find a sugar daddy. The problem is they do not know how to start. SeekingArrangement provides the ideal venue – protecting their privacy while they explore possibilities with men who are serious.”

I am still having trouble wrapping my mind around this. On the one hand- what a great idea! I am young, attractive, and available. Therefore, I deserve to be paid for my attentions. How easy it could be! That new digital camcorder I’ve been wanting- POOF! It’s mine! All I had to do was spend some quality time with a rich older gentleman. I suppose I can understand this Sugar Baby’s point of view.

On the other hand… She’s getting paid for her attentions. The Japanese Geisha is the only other example of this I can think of, and even they were occasionally paid for intercourse. And yet, these Sugar Babies haven’t been schooled in the fine art of entertaining gentleman. The only thing they have going them is boobs. And naiveity. This just doesn’t seem right. It seems like prostitution. And let’s not forget that even consensual prostitution is still prostitution.

But is consensual prostitution fine and dandy? Or is it wrong because it’s still illegal? Is this fine and dandy? Is it illegal? Is it wrong even if it is legal? Is it still fine and dandy if it isn’t legal, but everyone is happy with it?
I am at a loss. I haven’t been this on the fence since someone asked me which I’d rather give up for the rest of my life: oral sex or cheese.

What do you think about “mutually beneficial arrangements?” Or oral sex vs. cheese?

You Know It’s Cool If It’s On a Ruler

(From what.. math homework?)
Not that I have anything against abstaining… but something about this message just seems wrong…

Could it be the cheesy metaphor?  Or, I don’t know, the blatant sexism?

Hookin’ Up and Other Meditations

Last week the good people of NPR’s On Point interviewed some college sex columnists, including Amber Madison, recent Tufts grad and author of “Hooking Up: A Girl’s All-Out Guide to Sex and Sexuality.” In efforts to squelch jealousy, I remember that I have only been a sex columnist for a month now, and no one ever includes Brandeis in these things anyway.

Anyway, here are some discussion points from the program, and my thoughts.

The panelists discussed the modern dating progression: that hooking up comes first, relationship second, and that if a relationship is the ultimate goal, the hooking up will be taken much more slowly.

I think I basically agree. In a world without first dates, sometimes the hook up is the first time two people ever spend alone together. Sometimes it is the first time any form of attraction is even acknowledged. What gets tricky is when you actually do want a relationship with this person, and then you must worry about “how far” you’re willing to go. I think it’s pretty safe to say that at this point, if you decide to have sex right away, you are telling the person that sex is the main objective for you. At least, that’s what we think they think we are thinking… right?

Another point discussed over and over was the idea that women today think, “If men only want to use me for sex, I can use men for sex too.” What bothers me is that most of the panelists discussed this in a positive light. This is supposed to be “empowering.”

But to me, it sounds more like revenge than empowerment. How is sex empowering when the motivation is all about men, not about yourself or your own enjoyment? Why does it have to be “women having sex like men?” Why can’t it just be, having sex for fun?

Even Sex and the City did an episode on “women having sex like men” where they pose the question- is it even possible for women to have sex without emotional attachment? I think it is definitely possible. I think it is possible for the women to have sex without attachment, just as I also think women can “get attached” after having sex. Same goes for everyone else, of any gender. I also think the same person can have sex with one person and feel nothing, then have sex with another person and be unable to keep emotions out of it.

But having sex without emotion is not “having sex like a man.” And having sex with attachment is not “having sex like a woman.” It’s having sex like a human, and we are all capable of an entire spectrum of emotional responses, or lack thereof.

Therefore, the idea that having sex on the first date (or in this case, having sex on the first hook up), is not about sex, but maybe about trust. The real reason you might not have sex right away is not because you think they will think you’re a slut, or just “using them,” but because you are self conscious, worried you wont meet their standards, perform well, or that, they might just want sex and nothing more.

What we’ve lost as a result of the disappearance of dating is a code for understanding each other’s wants and expectations. Buying a girl dinner used to mean you wanted, and expected sex. Regardless of the obvious sexism of that statement, at least the signals were clear. Today, when two people end up in the same bed together, the only way to know what the other one is thinking is to ask. And most of us haven’t reached that level of comfort yet, even those of us who hook up on a regular basis.

And those of us who do hook up on a regular basis are not expected to want more from any of our partners. If it is known that you plan to have sex, enjoy sex, and do so often, it is expected that you only want to have sex, enjoy sex, and do so often. Not only are these people often conflicted about their own choices, they feel that in order to “have sex like men” they must continue having sex like men. It is these people – the ones who may have evolved the furthest – who find themselves the most restricted by their choices.

By believing that “having sex like men” will empower them, they are trapped in a system where only one type of sex is available to them- emotionless sex. If they chose to think of it as “having sex for fun,” there would be nothing to prove. They could find themselves in a meaningful relationship and still continue to “have sex for fun” without contradicting any values or goals.

Tom Ashbrook asked the question, “Is sex not special?” The panelists said no, it’s still special. I agree somewhat. I mean, it’s certainly more special than oral sex- which has become as common as bake sales for 7th graders- but even then, it can be considered special for some. I think it totally depends. But I think the real question here is this, “Is it bad that sex can be unspecial?” I really don’t know how to answer that. It could be, in a sad “innocence lost” sortof way. But on the other hand, it could be a good thing too. “Sex isn’t special! Now we can stop worrying about it!” (This would perhaps be Foucault’s ultimate wet dream.)
But I don’t think that will happen.

The last point I would like to address was the question, “Is the quality of sex better in a relationship than in a hook up?” Here I am going to take the scientific approach and say, yeah sorta. It’s better because people in relationships get a lot of time to practice. With sex, practice is everything. This is why sex is better in a relationship- both partners have had a chance to learn the steps to their unique dance. In hook ups, there is a lot of stepping on toes.

I think the question they meant to ask was this, “Does emotional attachment make sex better?” I say, not necessarily. Sure, it could. If that’s what does it for you. But I’m sure emotionless sex is an ultimate fantasy for many folks, and I’m also sure there are people who enjoy, and really get off on, both emotional and emotionless sex.

In the end, it’s simple. Do what feels right for you. If you feel ashamed, think about why. Is it because you do not feel comfortable with your actions? Is it because you do not agree with your own philosophy? Or is it because you think other people will not approve, and think less of you for it?

Like I said, do what feels right for you. And, if it feels right for you, let everyone else go fuck themselves.

To listen to the whole show, click here.